Yesterday I woke up feeling a little weak, but that's pretty normal. I also felt clear and happy, mentally. After the family all went their ways, I decided to do a load of laundry for each of them and clean the bathrooms. They kids have been doing all of their own laundry for 5 years now, so that's great. Saves on my energy, and we don't have to worry about adults who can't wash their own clothes. Additionally, learning to clean a bathroom is a rite of passage in our home during a child's 6th year of life, so that's not a chore I do much, either. Besides, with a bunch of boys, what mom want's that job? Gross! They do pretty good...mostly.
Yesterday though, I wanted to bless my family with some of the "feel good" I had coursing through my veins. Two hours after the first bathroom though, I was on my way to the emergency room in an ambulance. Thank goodness I had the foresight to call a neighbor and hubby for help. I started to loose consciousness in her van, but we were on with paramedics, so just pulled over, and they came to get me. It's all a blur, and I was so scared. My mind raced, "Will they know what to do? Please don't give me fainting salts! Can't I just go to sleep and wake up when you fixed it? Don't sleep, they won't know how to take care of you! Tell them you need air, tell them you are suffocating. God, please let someone know what EDS and POTS are...they might make it worse on accident...I just want to sleep...Please, please don't make it worse. I'm so dizzy. Somebody catch me, my legs won't work! Please don't stand me up."
The next thing I remember is someone removing my shirt, and subluxing my shoulder and elbow at the same time. "Ouch, please be careful, I have EDS..." She tells me I'm alright, but my shoulder is burning. Damn. Note to self: next time, remove my own shirt before the paramedics get me to the ER. How will I do that without them thinking I'm insane?
Today I can tell my first rib and probably clavicle are out of place. I'm, worried about this shoulder, because I injured it pretty bad falling down stairs on Thanksgiving, and it's acting up again. I'm not calling the doc yet though, I have a final tomorrow, and three other doctor's appointments today.
But I can't shake the fear that we don't know for sure what happened, and at any point, medical care could actually make it worse. Hubby thinks I made myself sick using the toilet bowl cleaner. It has bleach in it, and I laid down in my room, the same room with the bathroom I had just cleaned with bleach, to try to assuage the dizziness. Then I woke up feeling horrible, and started making calls. He's the only one with a viable idea of what happened, and bleach has always been problematic for me. Crap, I just remembered, I used Clorox wipes. They have fragrance. I can't do perfumes and fragrances, I knew that. All I wanted was to clean the bathroom for my husband.
So I'm sad, and I'm hopeful. Angry and determined. Tired, and discouraged. Motivated and dizzy as hell.
I see the immunologist today. It's just a hoop though, we know I have MCAD. On a happy note, a cardiologist nearby is only a few days out instead of 6 weeks, so I might be able to get the official POTS diagnosis sooner. After yesterday though, I really don't want to do the tilt table...But we finally know it's not in my head. Well, literally, there's not enough blood and oxygen in my head. That's almost funny...
Something has to help. As much as I joke about a housekeeper being a medical necessity, this isn't funny. Cleaning is enjoyable to me. There's nothing like a job well done, and born of love for the people you live with. I won't let these disorders take that away, even if I do end up with a professional housekeeper. Yesterday I did good. Three loads of laundry, and one great looking bathroom. We found out my coagulation factor is too high, but I don't have any blood clots. Also, I'm not having a heart attack or stroke. All in all, it was very productive. And I came home to my order of hydration tablets sitting on the table. Mmmm, watermelon flavored salt. It's a thing...
It will be OK. And I hate it. And. What a cherished, validating, necessary word. I'm tired, and I won't ever give up. This is frustrating, and I'm so very thankful for the friendships being built. I hate that my neighbor saw me crawl through my house to get to the door, and I'm so incredibly grateful she came. I wish I could give my kids normal, and I can't. Yep, sometimes it just plain sucks. And my kids are learning levels of empathy and compassion most adults can't grasp. The silver lining might be laced with something I wish wasn't there, but I trust God. He's got my back, always has. He told me to load my food with Himalayan salt before I ever knew what POTS was. He told me I would not survive another delivery, and my doctor confirmed my uterus was at high risk for rupture 10 years later. She told me a hard hit to the stomach would have resulted in my bleeding out in seconds, He told me as much as I love kickboxing, I had to stop for my own safety. That was hard to give up, not gunna lie. And I listened.
Just over a year ago, God told me He would never leave me, that my kids need me, and that I had important work to do, so put the gun down. He has kept that promise, and I have done my part.
God told me this life is so short, and I'm an overachiever. I asked for the ridiculous learning curve on compassion, empathy, and true Love. He told me he was so pleased with my courage, he gave me all I asked for, and an Eternal family months before it all fell apart, so I would have the support I needed.
Then He told me I make Him smile everyday.
I don't know how He told me, but I just know it is true. He's smiling, and I'm safe. This is all part of the plan, and I was happy when I could see everything clearly.
Scared is OK for a minute, but fear is my enemy.
So I breathe, because I can.
And I take my test, because it's who I am.
I do hard things,
I make them look easy.
Some days are pure Hell,
And that's OK.
I know who I am, and I don't know why.
I know it's going to be OK. I know it with every cell in my body.
I don't want to have this happen again, and it probably will.
So now I'll go pick out that medical alert necklace...
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